This is the long-awaited APPLICATION TO DATE HAYLEY. Feel free to modify it for your own purposes.

If you answer yes to any of the following, please cease applying for the position of Hayley’s boyfriend.
1. Are you a cowboy?
2. Do you hit on younger girls because you think they’re easily manipulated?
3. Do you Febreeze your jeans instead of washing them?
4. Do you average more than one parking ticket or motor vehicle violation annually?
5. Have you been sexually intimate with anyone who wasn’t a serious girlfriend at the time of said sexual act?
If you answered no to all of the above, proceed.

Where would you take Hayley on your first date?
a) To a baseball game
b) To a movie and the emergency room
c) The Parthenon (the restaurant, not the Greek artifact)
d) A group date with your ex-girlfriend and her new man
If you answered A or C, proceed. If you answered B or D, you’re probably That Guy that our dad wants to roundhouse kick.

If the date went well, what would your next move be?
a) Call five times the next day to tell her what a great time you had
b) Decide to date your ex-girlfriend instead
c) Don’t call her at all. Let her make the next move.
d) Call her the next day, but take it slow. You believe in the philosophy “You can’t hurry love; you just have to wait.”
If you answered A, you’re a scary stalker. If you answered B or C, you’re an emotionally incapacitated twit. Cease applying immediately.

Hayley’s grandma is in the hospital. How do you react?
a) Don’t call her; let her deal with the situation on her own.
b) Complain that she’s spending too much time with her family and accuse her of not taking your relationship seriously.
c) Send her a bouquet. On the card, you write something to the effect of “Just wanted to know that I’m thinking of you. Call me if you need a shoulder to cry on.”
d) Do C, plus bring her food from Sonic when she misses dinner on campus because she was at the hospital.
Any answer other than C or D is unacceptable.

You’ve been dating Hayley for one month. How well do you know her?
a) She loves dancing, singing, and going out – and she needs a guy that can keep up with her!
b) She’s a fan of Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin.
c) She loves going to rodeos and talking about her daddy’s farm equipment.
d) Her favorite TV shows are The Office, Sex and the City, and One Tree Hill.
e) Her idea of a great summer day is going to the lake and snuggling under the stars in your grandpa’s boat.
f) She doesn’t have hobbies. She’s so grateful that a guy is paying attention to her that she’ll be whoever you want her to be!
If you answered C or F, the relationship is doomed.

You’ve realized that you can’t dance, can’t sing, and can’t handle Hayley’s awesomeness. How do you break up with her?
a) Tell her that you’ve had a great time with her but don’t see things working out in the long run. Attempt to stay friends after the initial weirdness of the breakup wears off.
b) Lock yourself in your room and listen to kill-me music and tell everyone that you broke up with Hayley because she performed fellatio on half the baseball team.
c) Do A, but attempt to turn your newfound friendship into a booty call.
d) Act like a spineless little asshat and make Hayley so miserable that she breaks up with you … then cry whenever you see her on campus. You want her to feel REALLY GUILTY.
If you answered A, your mama raised you right. If you’ve ever done B, C, D, just give up and stop dating. You’re a bad person.

Enough about Hayley. What kind of person are you?
a) I’m the type who tries to impress girls by showing off my car, then running it into a tree, then taking my date to the emergency room. But I won’t turn in my insurance claim and I’ll hope her dad never wonders why he keeps receiving medical bills. Hmm.
b) I’m going to live in the Sandhills and raise 20,000 head of cattle. My wife will be a nurse in a town 40 miles away. Since I love Hayley oh-so-much and appreciate the sacrifices she’s made to be a rancher’s wife, I’ll take her dancing on Saturday nights.
c) I’m a law-abiding young man with no felonies or misdemeanors on my record. I am a Christian. I want a good, smart, fun-loving girl that I can treat like a princess. I like baseball. I will go dancing with Hayley, and I will enjoy it. Women tell me that I’m good-looking and wear nice cologne. I am mature, thoughtful, and emotionally intelligent. I am not a manipulative little twink. I don’t have any tattoos, piercings, or weird lesions on my body. I am a virgin and will not attempt to steal Hayley’s innocence until our wedding night. If I break this promise, I understand that her brother-in-law will hunt me down and kill me. And I care so much about the love of my life that I simply wouldn’t risk The Wrath of Andy for just a few moments of pleasure.
If you answered C, congratulations. I grant you permission to date my sister.