The past two weeks, and the week to come, have been probably the most draining weeks of my life. I've had four tests and one project, and one intense paper due within this time period. Being the good student that I am, I've been trying to work ahead as much as possible, but this isn't working anymore.
Currently, I live in the library in the old hospital in Scottsbluff. I must describe the library for you in order for you to understand how hard it is for me to be here for eight hours a day. The old hospital is a place for family members to stay while their loved ones are at the new hospital down the road. It looks like a mental asylum and I think it's haunted. There are cute little old ladies that have to give me the key to the library (because it is constantly on lockdown-newsflash: ghosts can still get in!) I can tell when one of the library ladies is lurking nearby because they have a cloud of musty perfume that radiates 10 feet around them. The actual library is in the old chapel, so I not only get to study and be quiet, but I can go up to the alter and ask God again what the heck I'm doing with my life.
Part of the reason I've been cooped up in the library is for reasons other than homework. My current roommate hates me. Before she would fake nice behaviors and talk mean behind my back. This was fun and all, but she's now decided to ignore me and pretend that I don't exist. My cute little green house has now turned into a box of hate and hostility. This isn't great for studying....or sleeping for that matter. I'd sleep overnight in the library, but I'm not sure if the library lady will let me borrow her kitchen utensils.
My next problem is my test taking skills, or lack thereof. I have always had a hard time with tests. But, the experience I had this week takes the cake. I studied super hard for my Nursing Assessment and Promotion test. I made flashcards from my notes, the book, I read all the chapters in the book, and I made notes from my notes. Needless to say, I was prepared. The test was moderately challenging, but here's where I went wrong. While rechecking my answers I did what no student should ever do....I CHANGED A BUNCH OF ANSWERS! How stupid could I be? I mean, would I really be smarter 40 questions later...no! This resulted in me failing, bawling, swearing I will be a t-shirt vender in NY, and be the black sheep of the Anderson family. I've calmed down a bit, but my test anxiety has mulitplied 10 times.
I finally have broke down and will be using money I don't have to get a massage this week. My muscles have become so tight because of my stress, lack of sleep, and fear of being stabbed in my sleep, that I decided I better get all the toxins rubbed out. I also get to go home this coming weekend and I'm SUPER pumped. I hope you all have a great week!
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6 comments:
Oh Hayley, I am sorry you are having such a tough time out there in nursing school. BTW, what the heck is the matter with your roommate? How could she not like you?!? This may not make any of your classes easier, but remember we are thinking about you!
There is a quote in the book I am reading (Crossing to Safety by Wallace Stegner, which is set in Madison during the Great Depression) that I think is relevant to a lot of us who are contemplating major life changes or questioning our choices right now.
"The road to maturity flows through accommodation in some serious sense. The first step is the recognition of mortality, of limited time, of limited arms with which to fight. One's hunger can never be satisfied because of those limits...To stay, to keep one's promises, to fulfill one's obligations does require courage. But to do it well is truly grace under pressure. It also has something to do with age. It's impossible not to look back and wonder what would have happened if you had had the wit, or guts, or luck to go in some other direction. Such looking back is not an assault on the present. You might, in fact, call it a howl of rage against the inevitable future."
"Part of the tension of being human is found in our desire for, and love affair with, both risk and security. What do we risk in our quest for security? What do we secure in a life of risk?"
Hayley, you had the courage to take a risk by moving to Scottsbluff and are still trying to adjust to your new life (no wonder, if you are studying in haunted insane asylums;) ). Whether I have the courage to leave Madison for residency is also a question I will have to answer soon.
Schnooky, I'm hugging you through the computer screen.
I'm cracking up over your line about going to the altar and asking God what the heck you're doing.
Your roommate is a psychotic beeyotch. Do not let the haters get you down; you're seriously one of the nicest people ever, and anyone that can't get along with you has issues.
Luckily, the end of the semester is not far away. You can move out, regain a little bit of your sanity, and study in a ghost-free environment.
You can learn from the testing experience: Don't second-guess yourself.
And remember to give yourself a break and stop beating yourself up. You're only human, and you're doing the best you can.
You know, I am a movie geek. So the warm thoughts I can give you right now are from the movie CastAway. Tom Hanks, in a codpiece he made from his shirt for 3 hours. Yup. Hear me out on my interpretation of that film's ending.
Survival -- hoping, praying and working to just get by in hopes of a better day tomorrow. See, even though the two-time Oscar winner was keeping himself alive, he really had little control over the situation he was in, but decided to keep breathing and living, waiting to see what the tide would bring the next day. Well, eventually, the tide brought him a sail and a way off the island.
Keep breathing Hayely -- because if you do....eventually the tide will bring you the conduit to better days. And when those better days arrive, you will appreciate the little things in life even more. A roof over your head, ice in your glass, and a roomate or nice guy to live with that is not a total mental case.
But don't run around town in a diaper you make from a shirt -- that may just compound your current problems.
Hayley, promise me one thing: When you come home this weekend, please, please, please slow down a bit and rest. No hanging out with friends until 3 a.m., okay? I know you're a social butterfly, but spending time doing nothing may be more beneficial to you right now.
LOL Where do I begin?
Ashley: Thank you for your words of reassurance. I'm glad that I can make you giggle still. I have to say that the only good part about my life full of drama is that I have a few stories to tell. This weekend I am trying to focus on what I want to do and have decided I will just have to be selective about who I see. Thanks for reality-checking me. Sometimes I just act without thinking.
Mary: This book sounds lovely. I need to learn to give myself more credit than I do. Last night I was talking to a friend (hmm, yes Ashley and Andy it was Chris) and he told me I need to trust myself more. I was floored! But he was right. I'm working hard and I need to stop being my own worst enemy. And just for the record, I know you could make the move too. Us Anderson girls are a strong bunch :)
Andy: I haven't seen Cast Away but I did enjoy your thoughts on it and how you applied it to me. You are right about one thing....I do need to take a chill pill. Whatever happens, happens. I can only study so hard. I just need to actually believe I can do it instead of accepting defeat.
I've known I'm my own worst enemy, but I hate that I have to live with someone who wants me to fail at everything I do too. My only comfort is knowing that when Dad comees to move me out he'll put her in her place. At first I was concerned, now I just giggle. Watch out bitch, here daddy comes!
First of all, Hayley, you rock! I know things are tought right now, but I promise with a little confidence and de-stressing, you will do well! Chris is right, by the way. I love you and we are all rooting for you!
Also, I'm interested to hear what Dad has to say. I'm sure it will be colorful, exhilirating, and quite a laugh!
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